Speed Racer


"Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer,

He's a Demon on wheels."

-Theme from Speed Racer


Where to start this one. It's been a while since I wrote an actual "Escapade", so forgive me if this one gets weird. It is a weird story.


It all started one night while I was on my way home from Long Island City to Bayside. I can't recall what I was doing in LIC that night, but it probably involved a bar. I was an Auxiliary Cop at the time (this does feature into the story, so I thought I'd mention it), and was driving along the Grand Central Parkway in the Buick with the numbers all over it.

As I approached the exit ramp for the Cross Island Parkway, two cars flew by me doing at least 100 miles per hour. One blue one leading the way, and a red one following close behind. They totally left me in their dust, and were swerving and slipping through traffic the whole way. I remember thinking to myself, "Those guys are gonna wreck!!" as I continued my drive.

A minute later as I got onto the exit ramp I saw all sorts of car parts and debris all over the ramp. It was everywhere. A headlight here, a bumper there, something bad had obviously happened only a moment before. When I looked a little further ahead, I saw the second car, the red one, laying on the exit ramp upside down, still rocking and smoking.

I immediately pulled over to the side and ran up to see if whoever was in the car was ok. On the way I pulled out my Badge, and hung it on my belt (just in case). The car was empty when I got there, but there was one guy just kind of standing there holding his head looking at the car. I asked if he knew where the driver went, and he looked at me and said, "I was driving". Then I noticed the blood on his head. I asked him if he was all right, and he said he hit his head, but otherwise, he was fine.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I was flying around the turn doing at least eigh...."

Then he noticed the badge on my belt.

"At least... uh.... fifty... or so... and the car just flipped."

Yeah, right. Since he wasn't about to die (in my professional medical opinion), I decided to get other things set up. I opened my trunk and pulled out some road flares and laid them out on the ramp. A passer by must have called 911 on their cell phone (and remember, this is 1993, so cell phones were not as common as they are today), because a minute later a Highway 3 Officer showed up along with an Ambulance.

I told the story of what I saw on the road, and of how I even thought to myself that they were going to have an accident. The Officer replied, "So it's your fault."

"How is it my fault?" I asked.

"Because you jinxed them." He replied.

Funny guy.

I told him about the speed comment the driver made, and then the Officer went to speak to the Driver himself.

While we were waiting around, cars were constantly slowing down to gawk at the wreck, ask questions, what have you. Some of them seemed so interested I was surprised they didn't snap pictures or try and take some debris home as a souvenir.

At about that time, the Highway Emergency Truck showed up, and the Officer from that truck came up to me and asked who put out the road flares. They were the cheap ones that you pick up at any Auto Parts store for like a buck a piece. I told him that I did, and he walked me over to his truck. He opened one of the side panels, and took out a huge handful of REAL road flares and gave them to me. He said he was impressed because most people don't keep any in their car, and wanted to make sure I still had some for next time. Of course, I was hoping there wouldn't be a next time, but either way I went back to my car to put them in the trunk.

The Highway Officer (the first one that showed up) was walking in the same direction behind me when I opened up my trunk, and I guess he looked in and saw some of the junk and crap I keep in my trunk. Among them, a severed human arm. Not a real one, but a latex prop that I had in there. He immediately reached in and snatched it up, and told me, "Let's have some fun!".

He walked me over to the overturned car, and called over some of the other Cops and Medics that were on the scene. Without even having to give instructions, we all pretty much knew what he had planned.

He stuck the arm under the roof of the car, and grabbed a hold of the hand that was now sticking out. He yelled, "PUSH!", and we all started rocking the car while he pretended to try and pull the arm free.

The gawkers driving by freaked.

The Officer kept this up for another few seconds, then yanked the severed arm out, looked at it (the back end is covered in blood and has a bone sticking out of it), then started to scream.

Then the gawkers in the car driving by started to scream, so the Officer handed me the arm and told me to get rid of it. I hid it in my shirt and then put it back in the trunk.

When I walked back over, the Officer was talking to the medic who I recognized. He was a former Auxiliary with me, so I went over to say hello. After we caught up for a minute I asked how the driver was, and he told me that driver received some scratches from the shattering glass, and a small lump on his head probably from hitting the roof when the car flipped. But other than that he was fine.

"God watches out for children, drunks and idiots." The Officer commented.

We all agreed, and the Ambulance left with the driver. Then the Highway Truck left, then the other Cop Cars. Then the Tow Truck arrived, and I decided it was time for me to go. This whole fiasco had lasted almost 2 hours already.

I headed back to Bayside driving slowly and carefully the whole way. I parked by my house, then went to the local Pub for a drink.

I figured it was the perfect way to end the evening.




If you have any questions, E-Mail me. Spat@spat-nospam-cave.com