Cloning Around

By Rockwell P. Stonehenge

 

You know, when that guy from New York asked me to write down the things that have happened to me and my opinions about the Government so he could put them on the "Interweb," or "American Line," or whatever it was he called it, I was a little wary. First of all, I didn't think anyone would be able to read my handwriting and second, I was nervous that he might be a Commie. He was wearing a red shirt when I met him, so that made me a little cautious. He was also kind of shifty looking. Shiftiness is a dead Commie giveaway.

When I tell these stories at the local bar, or at a tractor pull, people tell me to shut up. But this guy really seemed to want to hear them. So what the hell.

I don't watch the "Idiot Box" much anymore. Ever since I watched them fake a moon landing in '69, I lost interest. Wasn't it bad enough I had to watch the greatest American President ever get shot by four CIA agents? Lee Harvey was a patsy. If you don't agree, to hell with you. Magic bullet my eye.

Every so often someone mentions that a "Hee Haw" marathon is going to be on, or some kind of "Dukes of Hazard" reunion, so I dust the old girl off and watch.

Well last week I turned it on and saw a huge argument going on over Cloning. They was all angry that some guy cloned a sheep. So what? Clone 'em all you want. Who cares? I don't have sheep on my farm; I don't need the temptation. But if I did, why not clone them? Pick the best one, and run off a dozen of them for the heck of it. It's gotta be easier than that artificial insemination stuff. Probably cleaner too. It's not like you can ever have too many sheep.

Well this other guy was complaining that the next step was cloning people. They wanted the Government to pass a law making it illegal to clone people.

HA! The Government's been cloning people since I was a kid. Where've you all been? They've been messing with genes and that DNA stuff for years trying to make the perfect human being.

And if you don't believe me, explain Jayne Mansfield. There was no better example of female perfection ever in the history of the planet. She had an I.Q. of 163, and her measurements were 40-21-35 ½. That's better than a Barbie doll. You can't tell me that two people got together in Pennsylvania, had themselves relations and she was the result. It's just not possible. Next time the revival theater is showing "The Girl Can't help It," watch it. Tell me she ain't the epitome of female grace and beauty. What about "The Burglar?" She's like a Goddess. That's not natural selection at work folks. That was planned out to the decimal point.

She was created in a lab under the observation of a team of scientists. I know, 'cause I was there. Not when she was actually created; that was in the 30's and I was only thirteen at the time, but I've been to that lab in the late 50's. I seen all their beakers, petri dishes, Bunsen burners, all the stuff you need to create a person from scratch. Forget that sugar and spice and everything nice crap. She was built from the ground up with the latest technological advances available at the time.

Course, that was a time when people took pride in their work. This wasn't no half-assed, throw her together so we can get out of here at 5:00 and go drinking job. This was an act of love.

When I was working in that lab, they were using the place to dispose of biological warfare equipment that we never got a chance to use on the Krauts. This stuff was supposed to give the enemy delusions and make them easier to subdue and convert to Democracy. The stuff never worked. A friend of mine opened up one of the cans to see what the stuff looked like, took a big old whiff of it, but never believed me when I told him the world was flat.

There weren't no gene splicing equipment in the place when I was there, but I could tell what it was used for. There was a Jayne Mansfield poster on the wall. It was a dead giveaway. I can always tell these kinds of things. It's like a fifth sense I have for conspiracies.

Look at how she died. A car accident. The easiest way for the Government to end an experiment that worked too well. Make it look like an accident. Happens all the time. At least they didn't have Jack Ruby shoot her this time. If you look at every major famous person's death in the last fifty years, they died either by a bullet, or a car accident. Except for Marilyn Monroe; the CIA shot her up with drugs and made it look like an accident. See, they knew that no one would believe that anyone in their right (or wrong) mind would ever want to shoot her, AND she refused to get in a car when she found out her time was up. Someone, and I'm not admitting to anything, slipped her a peek at the Government's list of who dies this year. She was on it, and knew better than to make it easier for them. That Norma Jean, she was one smart cookie. But you know who was stupid? George Reeves. Played Superman in the 50's? Remember him? Supposedly shot himself in the head a dozen times. Yeah right. I might believe that. How stupid do they think we are? You can't kill Superman with a bullet! He's Superman for God's sake!

See, that's where the Government went overboard. They figured that since we fell for all the other assassinations they was pulling, we wouldn't bat an eye over Superman getting offed by a CIA super-spy with some Kryptonite bullets. It's all Truman's fault. He started the CIA in the first place. He also started the Air Force, and what good did they ever do either?

So then the point becomes, why bother cloning sheep or people in the first place? Is it to try to create a race of super sheep? Or super Jayne Mansfields? Or is it to have spare parts for people that need it. Why not? Need a new liver? Yank it out of your clone. Course, then they'll be lobbying for "Clone Rights" and that's when everything goes to hell in a bucket. I guess there's good and bad in every step we take when it comes to new stuff like cloning, or splitting atoms, or stealing cable TV. You just have to hope it won't be abused. Even though you can be pretty sure it will.

All I have to say is if anyone out there reading this did actually work on building Jayne Mansfield, congratulations. You did an excellent job. You should be proud of yourself. Next time you're down around Juniper county, stop by and I'll buy you a beer.

One question: Do you by any chance still have the instructions on how to build her? I could really use a Jayne of my own, if you know what I'm saying.

 

-4/26/97

 

 

If you have any questions, E-Mail me. Spat@spat-nospam-cave.com